If there’s one country that knows about battling for victory in the Middle Eastern desert, it’s the United States.
To claim the greatest prize in all of world sport, the U.S. Men’s National Team will have to go to metaphorical war against the most elite soccer squads in the world.
“Football [soccer] is not a matter of life or death – it is much, much more important than that,” the late Liverpool manager Bill Shankly once famously said.
USA vs Wales, Monday, Nov. 21 at 2 p.m. on Fox
USA vs England, Black Friday, Nov. 25 at 2 p.m. on Fox
USA vs Iran, Tuesday, Nov. 29 at 2 p.m. on Fox
Let’s meet team USA
It’s hard to know who USA head coach Gregg Berhalter will start, considering he’s never won a major coaching trophy and some believe he got the job out of nepotism as his brother was U.S. soccer CCO Jay Berhalter at the time of the hire.
Here’s what an intelligent manager would do:
Between da sticks is Matt Turner. Goalie is the one position that Americans have actually excelled at. Remember Tim Howard’s legendary performance when he set a World Cup record of 16 saves against Belgium eight years ago?
Turner is a backup keeper at Arsenal, currently top of the English Premier League (EPL) by five points heading into the break, but he is hands-down the best goalie we got and dominated for the New England Revolution in Major League Soccer (MLS) from 2016-21, with a ’21 Goalkeeper of the Year award to boot.
Defenders: Left back should be Antonee Robinson, aka Jedi. Yes, he has a lightsaber and will streak up the left side like Anakin on uppers. He starts for Fulham in the EPL, and wouldn’t you know it, so does American center back Tim Ream.
“Fulhamerica” has always been a club that has welcomed Americans, with Clint Dempsey, Kasey Keller, Carlos Bocanegra and Columbus Crew legend Brian McBride all gracing the grounds of Craven Cottage.
The other center back beside Ream will probably be Walker Zimmerman, the first player on this list that’s currently playing in MLS for Nashville. Cameron-Carters Vickers, playing for Rangers in Scotland, could get the nod, but Berhalter likes Zimmerman and he’ll appeal to the women watchers as he looks like a skinny version of Thor.
Sergiño Dest has played right back for major European clubs Ajax, Barca and now AC Milan. He had a finish in qualifying that bent the air around the ball as it curled into the upper 90s.
Lot of unknowns in terms of the exact midfield positions, but Tyler Adams will be your number six, or holding mid, sitting in front of the back four. They have been singin’ songs about Adams at Leeds United this season and he’ll be paired with Weston McKennie of Juventus.
Two seasons ago, McKennie was feeding through balls to the GOAT Ronaldo (sorry-not-sorry Messi fans), and has continued at an elite level in Italy’s top flight. McKennie could be the player that is the biggest difference maker for team USA.
Berhalter will most likely not know how to use left winger Christian Pulisic, the chosen one that was to eclipse Landon Donovan and guide the Stars ‘n Stripes to Cup glory. Pulisic has been injured a lot and has been super inconsistent since moving to Chelsea from Bundesliga side Dortmund. He’ll be on the left somewhere — look for tattoos and a trailer park beard.
Yunus Musah should be the starting right mid slash winger, as he’s solidified a starting role at Valencia and has shown he can play superior footie against the likes of Barcelona and Real Madrid in La Liga. You could also see Timothy Weah of the French squad Lille, on one of the wings, although Berhalter said after the squad was released that Weah could play forward as well.
Brenden Aaronson might see the pitch as an attacking mid or, in crazy Berhalter world, a false nine or even a number nine, but most likely it will be MLS’s Jesús Ferreira of FC Dallas that plays up top.
“I’m excited to see this year’s USMNT compete in the World Cup. I believe they have a team capable of playing on the world’s biggest stage and getting through their group,” Ryan Pore, Ohio soccer legend, Madison grad, college coach and former MLS player, said.
“However, I am concerned at the center back and striker positions, as I don’t think we have the overall quality needed in those two positions,” he continued. “I’m hopeful Berhalter can play to our strengths and bring the group together to represent the U.S.”
Da Group Stage
The U.S. opens group play against Wales, anchored by Gareth Bale, who looks like a sexy elf. Two weeks ago Bale scored the game-tying goal for LAFC in the last moments of MLS Cup to force extra time, where LA won their first title on penalties.
Wales manager Robert Page will have The Dragons ready to battle, but if the U.S. can’t secure three points from a country the size of New Jersey, then it’s going to be a very short World Cup.
USA vs England is game two. Listen, it would be easy to talk about the Boston Tea Party, revolution, and saving their butts in not one, but two World Wars. But let’s stick to soccer. England has won one World Cup, in 1966, when they were the host country. That’s right, this “great soccer nation” was last champions during the Vietnam War, when Adam West’s Batman was premiering.
In 1950, mighty England played the U.S. in the World Cup in Brazil. Some call it the “Miracle on Grass,” others, like the name of the movie, “The Game of Their Lives.” Me, I call it another example of the most overrated soccer nation in the world. USA 1, Her Majesty’s Jesters, 0.
The Three Lions drew the Yanks in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Many can still hear Shakira’s “This time for Africa” theme song (they probably should have gotten an African artist but it’s FIFA so the racism checks out).
England had already declared themselves Group C Winners in 2010, illustrated by the infamous “EASY” headline in The Sun.
USA tied England and won the Group C on goal differential.
Sure, we could look at the EPL being the strongest league in the world (thanks to the foreign players) and the all-time lopsided head-to-head victories in favor of England, but as Luke once said to the Emperor, “Your overconfidence is your weakness,” and it will prove to be England’s downfall.
Concluding the war and foreign policy thread of the World Cup group stage teams, America wraps with Iran. Not going to touch that one on the political side! Let’s just say Berhalter and the boys should be able to beat Iran, but no game is easy on the planet’s biggest stage.
Iran has a FIFA ranking of 20, Wales, 19 and the US is 16, so every group stage is up in the air.
Prediction: USA wins the group! Iran finishes second.
“USA gonna win their group. Play Ecuador in the round of 16. Then shock France in the final 8. From there play Uruguay in the final 4. Meet Brazil in the finals,” Ashland boys varsity head coach Dustin Hosler said.
Local Watch Parties
You know the founding member of MLS, the Columbus Crew, will be partying for the entire tournament. TV ratings put Columbus in the top 5 in last WC viewership, and that’s not per capita.
Lower.com Field will be playing all the games in the stadiums, along with free parking, food from around the world, drink specials all alongside the best soccer fans in America.
In Mansfield, local supporters group Shawshank FC doesn’t have anything planned and nothing official yet from Liederkranz when I called, but I bet there will be some fans there for the Germany game.
USA hype video narrated by Jack Harlow:
