ONTARIO — Ontario, rejoice, those prayers have been answered.
According to unnamed sources, an army of homespun denim will descend upon the acres of concrete, grass and rubble that was once the General Motors site along West Fourth Street to begin a new chapter. The Amish have reportedly decided to end the ongoing saga by selecting the site for an undisclosed project.
Details surrounding the project are shrouded in mystery but our investigative team was able to talk to a few locals who’ve had limited exposure to the project.
Local Facebook groups lit up early last week after reported late-night buggy activity picked up in Richland Bank’s Ontario branch. Reports of the brethren loading and unloading crates and burlap sacks.
Richland Bank spokesperson Kristie Massa noted, “Per rules and regulations, I cannot speak to the specifics of the transactions nor can I confirm nor deny the social media reports of ‘buggy fulls of gold bullion.’ ”
Rumors of escalating Amish activity in the region began earlier this year when Geauga County Amish physically lifted a barn and relocated it.
There is no word on whether relocation or residential zoning is a factor in the current project. But what we do know is that the project will be swift and ambitious.
Local freight contractor Robby Lash confirmed an order of 45 semi trucks full of lumber and equipment will start arriving later this afternoon through Wednesday. Per a non-disclosure agreement, he was unable to comment on specific use.
At this time, it’s unclear whether the project will see complete removal of all the concrete and rubble at the site or simply see some adaptation or re-use. Experts project this will make the difference of about 2 to 3 hours on the timeline.
Technology consultant Jeff Heyde was seen scouring the grounds for any remaining technology and swiftly removing anything in violation of Amish order and beliefs.
“We will be hiring a number of Amish tech proxies in the coming weeks,” Heyde said. “You will be able to send a text message or email to any one of the businesses or organizations to an independent line and it will be scribed into a handwritten note.”
When pressed on the issue of diverse and varying approaches and beliefs within different Amish districts and how they’ll interact, Heyde quickly took the fifth amendment.
“What happens in the brotherhood; stays in the brotherhood. I’m sure it’ll all be sorted out.”
Professor Stan Schwartz of Akron University – a leading Amish studies expert – says a barn raising of this scale, while not unfathomable would be historic.
“Imagine the most glorious barn raising of all and then double it. That’s what I believe we’re talking about,” Dr. Schwartz said.
But that’s not the most stunning news of all. Our very own David Yoder was able to offer some great insight:
As the 14th generation of Amish immigrants who found a home here, work hard to make our community better, and who I find love a good old-fashioned belly laugh; it’s my pleasure to wish you a happy April Fools Day. – David Yoder
