As an Englishman living in Ohio I’m often asked which foods I miss from from back home.
Surprisingly, given Britain’s global reputation for fine dining, the answer is very little. There are however exactly four essentials that I go out of my way to get ahold of, and in recent years this has gotten a lot easier to do locally.
When I arrived in Ohio 15 years ago, I had no choice but to visit an eccentric Welshman in Dayton to hook me up with what I needed. Now, even stores like Meijer and Kroger right here in town have a “British Foods” section.
I don’t take this section for granted. They used to have one at a Giant Eagle in Columbus, and one day it just disappeared, swallowed up without explanation. I paced up and down for a few minutes, returning several times to the same spot before muttering under my breath and wandering off.
But for now, what old-world delights can you buy right off the shelves here in Richland County?
Well, as I write this, I’m drinking a good strong cup of proper British tea – PG Tips – which I found not even in the special section but on the regular tea shelves of Kroger on Park Avenue West – an unthinkable exoticism just a few years ago.
On the British Shelves themselves, along with a small selection of soft drinks, cereal and chocolate we can find no less than three of Russell’s Essential Top Four:
#1 – HEINZ BAKED BEANS
Far less sweet than their American counterparts, and a popular component of the classic English breakfast. Like many English things they are best eaten “on toast:” beans-on-toast, egg-on-toast, spaghetti-on-toast, spam-on-toast, etc.
The Heinz Company has had a London operation since the 19th century, and so established is Heinz UK that I thought of them of as an essentially British brand. I was genuinely surprised to find out they were founded in Pittsburgh.
#2 – BRANSTON PICKLE
Not a pickle in the American sense, but instead a sturdy brown vegetable relish with an unmistakable tang. It goes with cheese like absolutely nothing else. Hayward’s Pickled Onions are also recommended.
The notion of “a pickle” as we know the familiar sandwich accompaniment here in the U.S. is less familiar in England. Indeed, the slice of pickle in a McDonald’s hamburger caused much confusion and distress to British patrons and was often plucked out and discarded.
#3 – MARMITE
Marmite really sorts out the men from the boys. What is it exactly? Difficult to describe. It’s a yeast extract, which makes it sound like it’s been scraped from somewhere.
Actually it has been – scraped from the bottom of the barrel if you will – as it’s a by-product of brewer’s yeast. When concentrated, it results in a thick, dark, salty paste that can be spread on toast or crackers.
Marmite is so unpalatable to those who haven’t been raised on it, it could be used to break the cover of foreign spies.
So who is eating it here in Mansfield? It can’t just be ex-pats like myself, as there aren’t more than a handful of us in town. Perhaps it’s part of another mafia front? (oh don’t start …) If there are American Marmite eaters out there, I want to hear from you.
#4 – COLMAN’S MUSTARD
I’ve so far NOT been able to source this locally. Instead I have it in powdered form which allows me to tinker with the strength and make this notoriously strong mustard even stronger. I’m currently working on making it actually explosive.
It’s not one of my essentials, but there’s another product that’s always available on every “British Shelf” without exception: the Spotted Dick Sponge. A kind of sponge fruit cake, I’m unable to explain its persistent popularity. Perhaps the least said the better.
When browsing the British Shelf, keep an eye out for the Royal Warrant. Look for a royal crest followed by the words “By Appointment to Her Majesty The Queen.” This shows that the product is supplied directly to the Queen herself and is reserved for only the finest items such as puddings, sauces and packs of potato chips.
One last thing: “Andy Capp” fries.
These are not actually British and I find their existence puzzling. I bought a pack anyway.
A British Food Shelf can be found on Aisle 11 at Meijer on Lexington-Springmill, and also Aisle 4 of the Kroger on Ashland Road, where it is not labeled as such but can be discovered between “Kosher Food” and “Asian Food.”
