I was leafing through some newspapers at the library, and found this article in the Pismo Beach Times. It is very timely and I wanted to share it with everyone.
FBIPM Launches Holiday Campaign
Water is pretty much the lifeblood of all plants. Yet at a recent press conference held by the Federal Bureau of Interior Plants Management (FBIPM), it was said that it can also be the death of them.
According to Penelope Penholder, bureau statistician, overwatering is the leading cause of plant fatalities. “Two out of every five plant deaths are water related,” she said adding that if you were to take a look at specific holiday periods such as Christmas, the rate of deaths is even higher as four out of five poinsettias are drowned in a sea of well-intentioned tap water.
Communications Director Howard Longantall announced that this Christmas season the FBIPM was partnering with musicians, artists, and horticulturists in a campaign to combat senseless plant deaths called HOLD THE WATER PLEASE. The campaign will utilize all media outlets to get their message to the American people including a Super Bowl ad featuring the band UToo.
The not so popular rock band will sing a never-before-heard song about roots drowning in water. Singer Pono described the song as a tragic story of too much of a good thing. He recalled his early years as a pop star when he would receive poinsettias from fans around the world. “I would water them without really looking. I just figured they needed it, not realizing that the foil wrap around the pot was holding all the water and rotting the roots.”
The campaign will include a multi-media exhibition at the Museum of Un-Natural History in New York. It will tell the consequences of over-watering plants. Curator Anne Jaxson said “The subject matter is very relevant to the challenges we face as a society. The paradox of overabundance is that it often mimics underabundance which often leads to ‘more’ when actually ‘less’ is what’s needed.”
She played one of the pieces of the exhibit. It was a disturbing time-lapse video which showed two plants side by side. They were tropical hibiscus trees, the kind many people buy from garden centers each year then try to overwinter inside. The see-through pots allowed the roots to be visible. One plant was watered twice a week, the other was watered once a month.
The roots of both began thick and light brown with white tips. As time went on, the leaves of the hibiscus watered twice a week began to yellow and droop. The roots began to darken and the white tips disappeared. The other tree changed little except for some leaves falling off in the very beginning. By the end of the video, the contrast was stark as the twice-a-week plant stood there lifeless.
Ms. Jackson then introduced the Dirty Old Gardener (DOG), a horticulturist and columnist for the Richland Source. The DOG said that he was happy to be partnering with all of these great people to combat a very serious problem, but he wanted to remind everyone that “it not only takes a toll on the plant but it also leaves an emotional scar on the plant owner too.” He said it often results in people thinking they have a brown thumb and they unfortunately give up on growing plants.
When asked by a reporter what people could do to help, the DOG handed out copies of the campaign’s 11×14 color glossy pamphlet entitled Watering: It Ain’t Easy. He said “Watering is not easy, and though we all want easy to follow recipes, it is impossible to say, ‘Give your plants one cup of water every week.’ Each plant is different, and there are too many environmental variables that affect a plant’s consumption of water such as light exposure, temperature, and soil.”
He then held up a plant tag, and continued. “It doesn’t help when the plant comes with watering instructions that say ‘Keep me evenly moist’. What the heck is evenly moist? It’s impossible is what it is. The top of a pot always dries out before the bottom. I wish there were some law against this sort of instruction.”
He finished by saying that if people want to stop killing their plants, they can start by following these guidelines:
1) Good drainage is essential. Unless you’re growing bog or water plants don’t let your plants sit in water.
2) Cut back watering in winter. No matter where you live, plants grow slower in winter. They don’t need as much water.
3) Look at your plants. Most will let you know when they’re thirsty. The leaves will droop, and they might lighten in color. Be on a first name basis with your plants.
4) Get dirty. Feel the soil. If it’s damp, let the surface dry out before you even think about watering.
5) Weigh it. Not literally, but lift it up. Is it heavy or light? If it’s heavy let it be.
6) Do a background check on your plant. Where does the plant normally grow? It can give you clues as to how much water it needs.
The Dirty Old Gardener was then followed by the Pismo Beach Boys Choir singing a rendition of Water Me Softly which ended the press conference. For more information on the HOLD THE WATER PLEASE campaign contact the Federal Bureau of Interior Plant Management at their non-existent website.
**Author’s Note: All names of museums, government departments, agencies, choirs along with their employees or members are fictional, and any similarity to real things or people is incredible.
Two out of every five plant deaths are water related.
