While the holidays are often a time of togetherness and family, the stresses of the season also are associated with an increase in domestic violence incidents and crises. One in four women are the victims of domestic violence in their lifetime and the majority of those victims do not report the abuse or seek help. A local abuse survivor, her name withheld, hopes that by sharing her story she can encourage women suffering in silence to get help.
*Suzanne was 65 years old when she filed for divorce and moved out of what she refers to as “the big house,” and it was the first time in her life she had ever lived on her own.
Ten years into her twenty-seven year marriage she knew she had to get out, but with no education, no resume, and no marketable skills, the mother of six planned her escape for seventeen years. She knew that when she turned 65 she’d be eligible for social security and so she endured a life she describes as “hell.”
“It was subtle at first, he always said, ‘I’m trying to protect you,’ but little by little he became more and more controlling. A lot of it was coercion by intimidation, but eventually I just accepted it,” Suzanne said. “Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Behind closed doors it’s not that there was a lot of yelling because he wouldn’t let me speak. I had to keep everything inside. Any time I wanted to bring up anything about finances or the way he would speak to me in public or the way he would force me to do things I didn’t want to do he would always say, ‘No, this isn’t the right time.’ There never was a right time.”
This was Suzanne’s third marriage, her previous relationships had been physically abusive, but her third husband seemed so different when they were dating, she never dreamed that he could harm her. In her estimation the emotional abuse of that marriage was far more haunting, in part because three of her adult children became abusive as well.
“I had this finger broken and I never fixed it because I wanted to be reminded to never let this happen again. But what I did,” she said, “was I turned around and gave all my power, all my control away and I didn’t see it coming. No, he never broke any bones or anything, my third husband, but it was just as damaging.”
“People have the mistaken notion that domestic violence is only physical. Well, when it is physical, whether it’s a black eye, broken bones, bruises, whatever, eventually those heal. However, the emotional scars, the verbal–those are hard to get over. Because those are scars that people on the street don’t see, but they’re there. Women endure financial, sexual, emotional, verbal, all kinds of domestic violence.”
In Suzanne’s case her husband kept her completely in the dark about their finances and she didn’t have direct access to their accounts or financial information. She stated, “I always had to go to him with my hand out and beg if I needed money, it was so degrading to be made to feel like a child.”
Eventually her despair drained her of the will to live. For months she planned her suicide, but the attempt failed. At that point she realized it failed for a reason and she began planning to escape.
In the wake of the failed suicide she made an appointment with the social security office knowing that she’d have benefits at 65 and she endured the abuse until that day. “I pushed it down, and pushed it down and pushed it down so much that I became numb. When I left him I wasn’t angry, I just walked away numb,” Suzanne explained.
At first she moved in with her daughter, but when that relationship turned abusive her daughter kicked her out. Homeless, exhausted and heartbroken she called the domestic violence shelter one night and they took her in.
“They gave me a bed, they fed me, it was so quiet there. Just by being emotionally supportive they took care of all my needs,” said Suzanne.
Suzanne took full advantage of all the programs at the shelter to help her get back on her feet. She attended the support group, kept a journal and began the hard work of healing and learning to embrace a life lived on her own terms, something she’d never dreamed possible for so long.
Today her life is not unlike other retirees, she has lunch with friends, exercises at the YMCA and enjoys an occasional margarita.
“I came out with a peace of mind and such a sense of joy that people see it on my face so much that they remark to me,” she added, “‘You look so happy,’ and I say, that’s because I am. I’m not saying I don’t have a hard day here or there, but 95 percent of the time I feel so good.”
Susanne shared her story so women will know that they don’t have to suffer in silence.
“It is scary, but there is hope and there is life after your suffering.” Her message to other women is, “If I can do this at my age there is hope for you. Don’t ever give up.”
The Domestic Violence Shelter operates a 24 hour crisis line. If a woman is in danger, or just need someone to talk to call 800-931-7233. The Shelter’s Crisis Line is staffed 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Staff and volunteers are available to listen, discuss alternatives, and refer to programs when appropriate. The help is confidential and private.
The Shelter offers programs and services to those experiencing: dating violence, sexual assault, domestic abuse, stalking, and texting/Internet stalking.
“It was subtle at first. He always said, ‘I’m trying to protect you,’ but little by little he became more and more controlling. A lot of it was coercion by intimidation, but eventually I just accepted it,” Suzanne said.
