In an unprecedented move, the Richland County Prosecutor’s Office has issued a sweeping ten count indictment against Old Man Winter and several other cold weather icons on felony menacing and conspiracy charges. Among the accused are Old Man Winter, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the Abominable Snowman, Snow Miser and his estranged brother Heat Miser, and Frosty the Snow Man.
The complaint, originally brought weeks ago by thousands of area residents, centers on what the complainants noted as, “the repeated, mean-spirited infliction of physical and emotional pain by the accused on the general citizenry of Mansfield and the surrounding communities.” Among the notable persons listed in the complaint is Lexington second grader, Melina Shultz. Shultz gained a degree of local notoriety this past December when she petitioned her school board to change guidelines for outdoor recess. In addition to being an engaged citizen, it has become apparent that young Melina may possess psychic powers as well.
The cooperative investigation that included agencies from all over the Midwest uncovered evidence of a wide-ranging conspiracy to extend winter’s strength, duration, and ferocity far beyond what has become normal for Central Ohioans in the past few years. Though the motive remains unclear at this time, a theory is emerging — and it includes local connections.
Law enforcement officials showed Richland Source editorial staff copies of dozens of canceled checks from area snow plow services, ski resorts, snow shovel manufacturers, and propane distributors made out to an offshore corporation, Friends of the Deep Freeze, Inc. The prevailing theory is one of an elaborate pay-to-precipitate scheme. Old Man Winter and his co-conspirators appear to have threatened to reduce or eliminate snowfall altogether unless the above winter-dependent businesses and others like them coughed up what amounts to protection money.
Prosecutor Bambi Couch-Page confirmed the indictment and the County’s intention prosecute the case and bring temperate conditions back to our region. “This harassment of our community cannot continue.” Couch, speaking to reporters at a press conference held via satellite from the Bahamas, continued by saying, “If we don’t take a stand now, when will it end? The lawn furniture, barbecue, and fireworks industries are depending on us. It’s time for Old Man Winter and his cronies to be brought to justice.”
Respected local attorney David “Duffy” Carto has been retained as counsel by the accused and held a press conference at Snow Trails Winter Resort, “My clients categorically deny conspiring to menace the citizens of Richland County in any way, and we intend to make that very clear during trial. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t love five straight months of snow and ice?” The veteran ski-racing coach and noted winter sports enthusiast was wearing his favored courtroom attire of a down parka and snow boots. Carto refused to answer questions from the media.
Meanwhile, despite repeated attempts to bring the accused in for questioning, Old Man Winter and his gang remain at large. They are considered possibly dangerous, often inconvenient, and, at this point, absolutely annoying. Local law enforcement has urged citizens to only approach them if appropriately armed — preferably with a flamethrower or commercial-grade heat lamps.
Editor’s note: If you’ve made it this far in the article, we, the staff at Richland Source would like to wish you a happy first day of April. Happy April Fool’s Day!
