“You’re as cold as ice.” — Foreigner
NORTH CENTRAL OHIO — This winter storm is going to sneak into north central Ohio like a thief in the middle of the night on Saturday.
But it’s not going to take anything. It’s going to give. And give.
And give.
By the time it packs up and leaves on Monday, it will give us up to a foot of fluffy, powdery snow. That’s at the top end of what the National Weather Service office in Cleveland says is possible for Richland, Ashland and Knox counties.
That’s why an official NWS winter storm warning remains in place from Saturday at 7 p.m. until Monday at 10 a.m.
Sometime tonight, in the pre-dawn hours, snow will “spread into the region,” as if it were a contagious disease, peaking politely on Sunday. Just in time to cancel church, brunch, and anyone’s last remaining optimism.
Sub-zero wind chills will be thoughtfully included, because apparently frostbite is part of the full-service package.
This will not be a blizzard situation, according to the NWS.
The snow will fall steadily for about 18 hours, according to forecasters. No high, sustained winds — so no blizzard. But it will just keep snowing.
A blizzard is defined by the National Weather Service as a severe winter storm characterized by sustained winds or frequent gusts of 35 mph or greater, considerable falling and/or blowing snow, and visibility reduced to one-quarter mile or less for at least three consecutive hours.
The warning advised keeping a flashlight, food, and water in your vehicle, which is Ohio’s gentle way of saying, “You may be spending the night with your dashboard for company.”
And of course, motorists are encouraged to delay unnecessary travel—an instruction that will be bravely ignored by at least three people who absolutely must get milk, lottery tickets and a sub sandwich in the middle of a snowstorm.
By Monday morning, the snow will “gradually taper off,” which sounds nice until you realize it leaves behind 10 to 12 inches of frozen regret and a driveway shaped like your future back problems.
The storm will finally wander away, satisfied, while residents emerge like confused moles, staring at drifts and wondering how winter is still surprised that it’s winter.
Somewhere in the fine print, the warning issued on the NWS website never actually apologizes. It just tells everyone to check the website, shovel quietly, and remember: spring is a rumor, and Ohio does not honor it.
The snow will leave. But the bone-chilling cold will remain next week.
The low Monday night will be around -4, a clear indication winter is no longer interested in being subtle.
Forecasters said skies will be partly cloudy, which in practical terms means residents will have a clear view of their life choices as they scrape windshields in the dark.
By Tuesday, conditions are expected to improve slightly to a high near 16, accompanied by brisk winds designed to make 16 feel like a personal insult. The National Weather Service described the day as “partly sunny,” though no witnesses have confirmed any actual warmth associated with that term.
It’s the kind of cold that makes people reconsider their commitment to living in Ohio.
Temperatures will dip again Tuesday night to around 2, followed by a high near 12 on Wednesday. Snow is possible after 1 p.m., with a 30-percent chance of precipitation — just enough to threaten hope without fully delivering on it.
The pattern continues Wednesday night, with more chances of snow and lows near 2, before Thursday brings mostly cloudy skies and a high of 14. Officials said the clouds will serve no practical purpose other than blocking out the sun.
By Thursday night, lows are expected to fall to minus 2, prompting renewed interest in heavy coats, emergency car blankets and the concept of staying indoors until April.
Friday will offer a slight morale boost, with partly sunny skies and a high near 13.
Authorities advised residents to dress in layers, limit unnecessary travel and remember that, despite appearances, this is not the surface of Mars.
