I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t, on some level, think she’s failing at womanhood. We look around ourselves and we identify all the ways the women around us are succeeding at womanhood, and we begin to believe that we aren’t cutting it.
As a fourth grader, we were asked to write about what we would change about ourselves if we could, and I remember looking to the popular girl, Michelle (of course, Michelle), and wishing for every single feature of her face, her stylish clothes, and her seemingly posh life, tossing out everything that was true for me. Through high school, I mentally lined myself up against girls who became literal Hollywood stars and chastised myself for all the glamour I didn’t have.
When women become wives, we challenge ourselves to have the most picture perfect wedding, followed by the most beautiful and stylish children in our perfectly styled home. Our perfect children are supposed to also be smart and quiet, good at sports and music, as well as tidy. And we’re supposed to be just as passionately in love with our spouses through it all as we were when we were dating, without gaining a pound, a gray hair or a wrinkle.
Speaking of our spouse, we’re supposed to be subversively in control of what’s happening as well as submissive to his leadership, while he earns a keep for our family and we submissively manage our homes.
In Christian circles, these perfect women who theoretically exist are often referred to as “Proverbs 31” women, referencing a passage of the Bible that describes a “Wife of Noble Character.” I’ll be honest: I’ve heard that reference so many times about women who aren’t a thing like me, that I’ve avoided reading the passage for several years.
You see, I just don’t neatly fit into the mold of what our culture celebrates as an ideal woman. I’m outspoken, my look isn’t sleek, my size isn’t tiny. I’m smart, I’m loud and I swear like a trucker most of the time. I love to cook and I love to eat. My husband and I love each other, and we mostly upset the traditional gender roles in the household. And, honestly, it’s all working for us and in this season, for one of the first times in my life, I am way good with all of it and think that maybe this way is the best way.
Colleen Cook works full-time as the Director of Operations at Vinyl Marketing in Ashland, where she resides with her husband Mike and three young daughters. She’s an insatiable extrovert who enjoys finding reasons to gather people.
The thing is, we’re raising three daughters who are, like all people, unique and wildly different among themselves. Our faith is important to us, and I hope to share it with my daughters, but I don’t want them to walk the same road I did.
It took me 25 years to recognize that I’m enough of a woman to exist boldly in this time and place. I want them to know their value lies in their uniqueness, not in their conformity. In their strength, not in their learned helplessness. That they don’t need a Prince Charming to save them and that perfection doesn’t exist.
So, today, I read Proverbs 31. And, in reading it, I realized that all along, the Bible had it right—of course it did. The Christians just had it wrong. Proverbs 31 describes a “wife of noble character” as being strong, wise, entrepreneurial, hard-working, dignified, respected, faithful and fair.
The verse writes, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
Turns out, maybe not so surprisingly, it was our patriarchy that got it all twisted up after all. Here’s to the women of noble character — may we be them, may we know them, may we raise them.
