NORTH CENTRAL OHIO — That escalated quickly, didn’t it?
North central Ohio residents — still digging out from nearly a foot of snow on Sunday — now face the fact winter has escalated to frost demons with a stare colder than a mother-in-law’s gaze.
The National Weather Service office in Cleveland has slapped an extreme cold warning on Richland, Ashland and Knox counties from Monday at 7 p.m. to Tuesday at 11 a.m.
Forecasters predict wind chills plummeting to 20 to 27 degrees below zero—a frigid abyss usually exclusive to Siberian gulags, malfunctioning cryo chambers and that one coworker who blasts the office AC in January while wearing shorts.
Forecasters warned frostbite and hypothermia could ambush unprotected skin faster than a politician flipping positions during election season.
The warning implored folks to armor up in layers, hats, face masks and gloves, while treating the outdoors like a radioactive wasteland.
Officials also warned of frozen and exploding water pipes, igniting a frenzy of homeowner voodoo: dripping faucets at exorcism speed, insulation taped like mummy wrappings and desperate pleas to plumbing gods involving burnt offerings of hot cocoa.
Pet owners were warned to keep animals indoors, a decree that cats high-fived with smug whiskers while dogs launched full-scale rebellions, pawing at doors like inmates plotting a prison break.
The NWS advised residents to welfare-check elderly neighbors, wield space heaters without summoning fire demons and shun indoor generators or grills—eternal wisdom recycled yearly because, as an exasperated official grumbled, “Darwin’s waiting list is apparently endless.”
Meteorologists teased a Tuesday reprieve but cackled that winter’s sadistic symphony was barely at the overture.
The remainder of the week sounds like an old-fashioned ice box:
Tuesday
A chance of snow showers, mainly between noon and 5pm. Patchy blowing snow. Cloudy, with a high near 14. Wind chill values as low as -23. Breezy, with a southwest wind 20 to 22 mph, with gusts as high as 34 mph. Chance of precipitation is 30%. New snow accumulation of less than one inch possible.
Tuesday Night
Mostly cloudy, with a low around -5. Wind chill values as low as -18. West wind 9 to 15 mph, with gusts as high as 26 mph.
Wednesday
Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 8. Southwest wind 9 to 11 mph, with gusts as high as 22 mph.
Wednesday Night
Mostly cloudy, with a low around -3.
Thursday
Partly sunny and cold, with a high near 10.
Thursday Night
Partly cloudy, with a low around -8.
Friday
Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 6.
Friday Night
Partly cloudy, with a low around -4.
Saturday
Partly sunny, with a high near 15.
Saturday Night
Mostly cloudy, with a low around 1.
Sunday
Partly sunny, with a high near 18.