MANSFIELD, Ohio — Being a soldier is tough. But what about being a soldier’s wife, daughter, or son?
In the four months preceding his nine-month Iraq tour, Neil Chitwood left his wife and three children often to train and brief on his next mission. He came home on some weekends to spend time with the family, cherishing those brief moments with silent anticipation for the dreaded goodbye.
Then, the day after Christmas 2014, he boarded a plane destined for Baghdad.
When his eight-year-old son’s eyes filled with tears as he whimpered ‘goodbye’ in the Columbus terminal, Chitwood asked himself, “Do I really have to do this?”
He looked at his children and wife, mind reeling. Will this be the last time I see them, he wondered, knowing his wife had to fight her own war at home.
For the next nine months, Chitwood’s wife — Megan — fed, dressed and disciplined their three children. She worked a full-time job, mowed the grass, cooked dinner and took out the trash. She paid the bills, cried, laughed, worried, rejoiced.
Megan Chitwood and the three children — Xander, Lily and Liam — are examples of the war’s unsung heroes. While dads fight the war over there, they stay home to maintain the American dream.
A different battle
Neil and Megan Chitwood have said their goodbyes before. But not like this.
When Neil graduated from West Point in 2003, he was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the army and stationed in Germany. The couple said their first goodbyes from Germany when he was deployed for a year-long tour in 2005.
But they didn’t have children at that time.
“The first time I had just Meg. I don’t know if it makes it any easier but I knew that she would be okay,” Neil reflected. “But having the kids and that additional stress in their lives is unfair because they didn’t choose to be in the military.”
“I didn’t know what to expect the first time. But I had friends there and that was helpful because they were all in the same position and mostly then it was just like, ‘okay I got to stay busy,’” said Megan.
She said she landed a couple jobs, traveled and had a support group from living on the base, all making it easier for her to live apart from her husband.
“This time my focus was shifted,” Megan said. “I wasn’t so worried about staying busy this time.”
In fact, life apart was busier — and more painful.
A surprise
“I was in denial when I finally took the test,” said Megan. She found out she was pregnant with their fourth child one month in to Neil’s deployment. “I told him on FaceTime because how else was I going to tell him? It was a total surprise.”
When Megan discovered her pregnancy, the weight of running a household literally grew. The added pressure wore at her physically, she said the pregnancy was the most painful of all her childbearing.
It wore on Neil, too.
“It was absolutely horrible,” said Neil. “A lot of our conversations were focused on that (the painful pregnancy) and I was lost on what I could do to provide support. It’s hard to feel helpless.”
The couple did not plan for the pregnancy. Before Neil deployed, they gave away most of their baby supplies.
“We thought we were done having kids. We gave away the crib and we have a lot of siblings, so we gave some of our stuff to them … this is really going to be the last one,” Megan said.
Despite the pain and inconvenience underscored by Neil’s absence, the pregnancy might have been a blessing in disguise. Receiving help instead of giving it played a huge role in getting through the long deployment, but it was hard to learn, said Megan.
“That was a big hurdle for me to get over, allowing people to come help and do things for us that I’m capable of doing. I just couldn’t really do it,” she said.
As a counselor, Megan is used to being on the giving end of help.
“I had friends from the church that would watch the kids if I needed them to, my parents were available, or just people — the community was really pretty great,” she said. “Our small group from the church would come clean up or bring dinners periodically.”
With three children and one on the way, and an emotionally taxing job, she was tapped out.
“I had to do so much on my own, and the kids … kids are going to be kids and have bad behaviors and whatever. That would get overwhelming, Megan explained.
“There were many times within the last few months (of Neil’s deployment) where I was like, ‘are you coming home yet? Can’t they just send you home now? I’m done with this. It’s been long enough.’”
Through the trials, she grew closer to her children, and ultimately, to her husband.
“The kids were pretty good about stepping up and helping with picking up and everything, but they’re kids, you know?” she said.
There were times she needed to call Neil for disciplinary reinforcement.
“There were definitely a couple times where I’d call to say, ‘please straighten up.’ I don’t know if it was awkward for her or the kids but I wanted to be supportive of Megan,” Neil said.
“I think that really strengthened our marriage,” reflected Megan. “You don’t notice what you appreciate in the moment, but when it’s not there anymore you’re just like, ‘man … I’m ready to have that back.”
Mixing fun and faith
The deployment was not all extremely stressful for Megan and the children. Aside from the daily routines and doubled household duties, the four of them had fun unwound from time to time.
“We would try to do something at least once a month. Even if it was Chuck E. Cheese or bowling,” she said.
Even so, Megan needed alone time.
“When I didn’t want to be a mom for a while, I would send the kids to their grandparents and go out with friends or do something by myself, like grocery shop.”
There were good days and bad days. She said most of the time those days were determined by the children’s moods. If they were having a bad day, that meant a bad day for her.
“There were a couple times when one would get such an attitude, and the others would pick up on it. We had plenty of meltdowns,” she said.
That’s when she would pray with the children.
“The kids and I would pray several times a day, really. It was part of our prayers every night to please bring daddy home safe and soon. That was big. And a lot of times it was how I kept myself in check from complete meltdown.”
The incident
The prayers worked, said the couple.
On April 17, 2014 a car bomb exploded near Neil’s workplace.
“I was across the street in my office and the shrapnel hit my office, there was light damage. But my house was blown up. My windows were all blown in, the doors blown off,” Neil said.
The explosion killed and injured several local civilians. There were no American casualties, said Neil.
Neil’s deployment was supposed to be one of the safer ones. He served as a civil affairs officer with a mission to help improve the Iraqi national government. He led the U.S. effort behind building up the Kurdish Regional Government, which controls the northern third of Iraq and funds the Peshmerga military, according to Neil.
In 2013, Congress approved the $1.6 billion Iraqi Train and Equip Fund. Neil was part of the team that trained the Peshmerga military with portions of the ITEF appropriations.
Although Neil was not on a combat tour this time around, the threat of danger lurked. It was on the forefront of the couple’s minds and the main subject of their prayers daily prayers.
“Hearing the sirens and having to go duck under a barrier has a psychological impact on people … It’s a reminder of where you actually are and that it’s dangerous,” he added.
Homeward bound, the future
Neil unexpectedly flew home to Ohio Saturday, August 29. He was not scheduled to land on U.S. turf until mid-September. The couple surprised their children after a jubilant reunion, who spent the morning with Megan’s parents in Madison.
The family celebrated by spending uninterrupted time together and then, nearly one month later, Megan gave birth to their fourth child and second daughter, Eleanor Kathryn Chitwood.
“He kind of came back in chaos,” Megan said. Their elementary age children attend Ontario Schools, of which classes started Aug. 26.
“And it’s a big adjustment to get back together after a long stretch apart. It almost feels artificial at first. The first couple of days or so you know, we’re like, ‘ah, we’re back together,’ and things are great. But then after a while it’s like, ‘this is weird’ — I’m not used to having someone right next to me or someone in bed with me.”
For Neil, getting back into the domestic, civilian life was a change of pace.
“He must have done 10 loads of laundry since he’s been back and he’s running around straightening up and cleaning,” said Megan, laughing, 13 days after his return to home. “He just doesn’t know what to do with himself with all the free time.”
He said his mind races and it’s hard to turn it off. He is also relearning how to communicate with his wife; after a year of speaking over the phone either by text or voice, it’s tough.
“I’m always looking for the next thing to do and not enjoying the moment,” Neil said. “Having a long conversation about things that really matter is … is important. It’s just a little tougher for me to start doing it again.”
Neil intends to attend graduate school in January to earn his master’s degree in business administration from the Ohio State University.
With it, he hopes to continue to help his brother run the family business: Team Chitwood Martial Arts and Fitness, located in Lexington.
But he does not intend on stopping the military life anytime soon. When he graduated from West Point, his commitment was to serve for 8 years with five in active duty and three in the reserves. He’s served in the Army Reserves for 12 years.
“I could actually stop whenever I want. I have plans to continue to pursue the tough jobs, to further myself, gain experience,” said Neil. “They keep treating me the right way and I like it so I’ll stay.”
